I'm fairly pensive when it comes to life and the various intricate details that make up who I am and what I am involved with on a daily basis. Sometimes I tend to think I over think most things that the majority of people would usually overlook without a second thought. I get frustrated with these tendencies and try to at times channel it in some sort of positive and somewhat productive activity. I'm a writer and my thoughts run wild. I guess that's essentially why we're all here blogging away thinking that someone is actually bored enough to want to read about our lives, heartbreaks, frustrations, daily random encounters and the things that keep us passionate about life. Sometimes I feel as if my words on a page are merely a handful of syllables that serve no greater significance than to fill up a large white space and make myself feel better about dealing with the in and outs of life in some way that is far more calm and rational than lashing out or speaking out of term and later regretting such exchange of words. So here I am again writing to a bright white screen that perhaps is merely a Macintosh collection of thoughts that go no further than a keyboard and document that feels official but is never actually opened or accessed. I thoroughly enjoy journaling and find myself doing it often, especially when life hits hard and no-one seems to share my same perspective. My voice can't really be heard on pages of a tattered journal that is never opened by anyone other than myself so at times I find it vital to rummage back through those written thoughts and share tidbits of the ones that seem relevant and applicable. At the end of the day, journaling helps me regardless of its ability to add aid to anyone else. However, I truly do hope my words have some sort of impact on someone other than myself. Today I struggled through the thoughts of trying to always walk this journey on my own and strategically plan out every step. As I began to journal, I discovered some truths about myself that I would not have seen otherwise. 

Today, this is what I wrote:

February 8, 2010

"The enemy is quick to throw us for a loop when we find ourselves in a desperate attempt to crawl back to the feet of God. It's in the moments when we were weak and gave in as the world so desires for us to do, that we finally realized after one too many days of drowning in self-indulgence that we understand that our way is never what's best. And in this realization, we fight our way back in unworthy disarray, undeserving and filthy, starved and empty. I know you've said you called me and handpicked me for something extraordinary but it seems so unfair - I've knowingly failed you - why take me back? Isn't it easier to disown and reject me? And sure it's easier on my part to simply avoid the means of obedience and surrender, but what a miserable way to live. What I've forgotten and still tend to lose sight of daily, is the simple fact that this life is not my own. I hope and aspire to one day be better than this foolishness that I live in and I don't mean to always question but truly, are you sure Lord? Are you sure you meant to pick me? I'm so unworthy; there's so much better. I if you really want to use me, I'm gonna need some help." 

After feeling deeply the unworthy nature of one who messes up, falls flat on my face numerous times and feels unequipped for that which I know God has called me to, I came across a quote in my journal by one of my favorite authors: "Jesus' true strength was not revealed in his ability to teach and lead the multitudes. It was manifested in his willingness to make himself nothing, to suffer, and to die." -Alicia Britt Chole

Today I journeyed through my journal and where there once lie just words on a page, now true revelation stood.